I’ve been listening to the song “Obstacles” by Matisyahu non-stop (see previous post).
Something about the lyrics hits a sensitive and vulnerable spot.
“Obstacles, they come and go, that’s the name of the game you know
This life can’t be bought nor sold, play your cards then fold
Can’t give back the time you stole, path unravels, the day unfolds
This life can’t be bought nor sold, play your cards”
As an unemployed 20 something, I feel terribly unfocused and lost.
I just feel like my life and time is slipping through my fingers like sand. I don’t know where it all goes. It makes me feel sad. “Can’t give back the time you stole, path unravels, the day unfolds”
I’m sure part of it is my ADHD. Even on Adderall, I have a hard time focusing on anything for an extended time period (Adderall helps in the short term, but not the long term), except my obsessions, currently, my dog. I should be looking for a job. And I am, some of the time, when I can focus on it. But part of it is just me, not having a strong sense of what I’m passionate about or what I want to accomplish.
I waver between wanting to be type A and being a dreamer. I want to open a private practice and have my own business. I want to get a job and make money and buy a new car. But I also want to be “open” to “experience” life and do what I “love”. It’s a theory that drives me, but doesn’t translate to any concrete action. Unfortunately, neither do the type A moments.
So mostly, I feel unsatisfied and I don’t know what direction to move in. I know it should be simple. Take one step after another. Apply for a job, then another job. It doesn’t need to be your passion–if you move somewhere, that’s what matters, that is where you get positive feedback from life. I’m letting my longing for something deep and real get in the way of actual living. It’s fogging my mind.
As much as I know that, I don’t have enough structure right now to know how to get past it. Which blows.
But of course, what I hope is that…
“Obstacles, they come and go, that’s the name of the game you know”
And this weight on me will pass either in increased wisdom or like a dark cloud that will be pushed away with a puff of wind when I least expect it.