Self Growth

Self Growth

Sometimes, I feel like my subconscious is trying to send me a message and I just can’t figure out what it is.  It feels a little like an itch in the back of my brain, which I can’t scratch.

When I get that itch, I like to put on a guided meditation video.  My favorite video guides you to speak to your “spirit guide” or what I like to think is simply my wiser subconscious.

A few days ago, after a period of itching, I asked my subconscious (among other things)  if I would ever become the type of person I always hoped to be. I projected an image of myself as the type of person that is actually good at something, the type of person that sticks with tasks, that is career oriented and a go-getter.

My subconscious responded, “What you are seeking, you will not find.”

Even deeply relaxed, I felt my body tense and I started to feel upset.

I asked my subconscious rather defensively, “What am I seeking exactly?”

And she responded, “Identity and Recognition”  (two words I have NEVER used to describe myself in my waking life, which is sort of incredible to me).

When the meditation ended, I described the conversation to G. and explained to him that I found it incredibly difficult to swallow the idea that I wasn’t destined to be that…you know…the super star that I always wanted to be and strived towards.

G. just looked at me incredulously.  “Even if you don’t seem to know things, at least your subconscious gets it. As I’ve tried to explain to you before, your logic has always been ass-backwards.  You always want the label but have never had any inherent interest in the process. It always struck me as not genuine. A person doesn’t become an expert because he wants to become an expert.  He becomes an expert because of an inherent passion. Your subconscious just told you why you crave these labels and boxes. You want to be recognized to feel like you have worth.  You want to feel like you have an identity you can be proud of.”

Even though I yelled at him for being  a blunt jerk, I ultimately had to agree with him.

I realized *roll of drums* that most goals I’ve set and dreams I’ve had were because I ultimately craved identity and recognition. I thought if I met those goals I would become a person of value; I would be a person worth loving.  If I could become a person that was loved in the eyes of others, then I could give myself permission to love myself.

But, in truth,  love doesn’t come from fulfilling other peoples expectations. Love comes from within.

The best way to show myself love is by engaging in tasks which nurture and energize me.

Because I’ve spent most of my time being too busy trying to turn myself into the type of person that I thought other people would love, I’ve only just started to figure out what I am intrinsically drawn too

So, with this, I started a purge.  I wrote down all the things I’ve always felt I should be or wanted to be with the ultimate goal being identity and recognition.  I plan to burn this list when it’s complete.

It was a really long list, reflecting my changing interests, goals, and sense of myself.  It is clearly delusional and somewhat grandiose.  It’s easy to see why G. called my logic “ass-backwards.”

And I meditated on what my natural core values and motivations are.  They look a little more like this…

Lastly, I brainstormed a list of things that I do which I actually really enjoy and look forward too, regardless of the outcome.  What do I truly love? What actually nurtures me?

Already, I feel more free.  I no longer care if I spend two days thinking about a subject, three weeks, or five years.  Life is change and can only be lived once.  There is no room to judge myself by someone else’s standards.

But, I think the biggest change is  the question I pose to myself daily.

I no longer ask myself, “What can I do with my time to get me where I want to be?” but “How can I spend my time to nurture and energize myself?”

-EV

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